Lord, sometimes it’s just so hard to put my thoughts into words.  There are so many things going on in my mind.  Is it the concerns of money?  Is it the concerns of my career?  Is it the concerns in my marriage?  How about my role as a father?  How about my role as a husband?  Where am I failing?  What about ministry, Lord?  Am I serving your people? 

Lord, I just want to hear you say that you love me.  I don’t want to read it in the bible.  I want to hear it from you.  Speak to me in a way where I can hear you.  Tell me that I’m doing a good job.  Let me hear you say “well done, my good and faithful servant”.  But I don’t hear you… probably because my mind is so full of all this stuff.

If I abandon those things, will I be able to hear those words?  Lord, you believe I have potential, so empower me to make the most of the talents you’ve given me.  Help me to make a difference in this world.  Help me to make a difference to my wife, to my son, to my friends and those around me.  May I truly be a light that shines in the darkness.

“You must first determine who you aren’t before you discover the true, authentic aspects of your God-given identity”

Who I am not…

I am not someone who lives for money.

I am not the kind of man who has the ambition to be the best of the best.

I am not the kind of man who likes to stand on the sidelines when helping the poor.

I am not the kind of Christian who desires to cruise through my Christian walk. 

I am not a natural leader.

I am not as humble as I thought I was.

I am not always sensitive to others’ feelings.

I am not that emotional unless it’s related to people I really care about.

I am not very flexible. 

I am not as selfless as I think I am.

 

Who am I?

I am a sinner.

I am a man with evil thoughts.

I am a man who desperately needs God to constantly mould me.

I am a man who constantly needs God’s rescue.

I am a man who thinks and acts humble but has hidden pride.

I am a man who likes to step outside of my comfort zone.

I am a man who is fearful of being vulnerable yet desires to be open and vulnerable. 

I am an emotional man beneath the surface.

I am a man who gets hurt easily.

I am pessimistic when I lack faith.

I am a man who has trouble trusting people. 

 

 

Psalm 139
1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.


Lord, in my distress, rescue me. Rescue me from the illusions. Take away all the illusions of the enemy. Cast out all the voices of the evil one and amplify your voice. My God, my God, bring peace to my heart and bring stillness to the situations around me.

Calm me, Lord as you calmed the storm.
Still me Lord, keep me from harm.
Let all the tumult within me cease.
Enfold me Lord in your peace.

Philippians 4:4-7
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Jesus, help me to rejoice! Help me to dwell in your peace, allow me to reside in your sanctuary. Cover me with your wings, guard my heart and bring yourself close to me. Give me a thankful heart and cleanse me of my unrighteousness. May hope be an arm’s length away and help me to grasp onto it.

Lord, protect me and give me discernment. Would you direct my heart into the right place.
2 Thessalonians 3:1-5
1Finally, brothers, pray for us that the message of the Lord may spread rapidly and be honored, just as it was with you. 2And pray that we may be delivered from wicked and evil men, for not everyone has faith. 3But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one. 4We have confidence in the Lord that you are doing and will continue to do the things we command. 5May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.

Amen

Today, I watched “Yes Man” by Jim Carey and man was it a good movie.  It was very funny and it had Jim Carey speaking Korean, pretty good Korean I must say.  The movie is about a man named Carl who was in a dead end job and saying “No” to every opportunity around him.  Carl is also very reserved and didn’t like to socialize or take risks, probably because his ex-wife divorced him.  Then he joined this self-help program that teaches him to say “Yes” to everything and then things really started to happen for him and things that seemed bad and risky actually turned out good in the end.

All throughout the movie, I just thought to myself, “am I a NO man?”  Do I always say No to opportunities that arise in front of me.  Do I keep my life quite standard and reserved so that things just stay status quo?  A pastor said in a sermon, “we want miracles but we just don’t let ourselves be in a position to receive them”.  Do I not take risks because I’m scared of the consequences? 

It’s true.  I am a NO man sometimes.  I was much braver and more courageous before but I’ve been sitting in my little bubble and hoping amazing things would happen to me but I just let life slip by, day by day.  I’ve always wanted to be fluent in 5 languages:  English, Cantonese, Mandarin, Korean and Japanese.  I would say I can only work in 2 languages, English and Cantonese.  The rest are not good enough to be considered fluent.  I’ve always wanted to live in Korea for a year and study Korean and be fluent in it.  International students come to Vancouver and study English for a year or so and some even stay here.  So why can’t I go to Korea and study Korean and eventually work there?  Ever since the last time I was there in 2005, I missed that place so much.  I’ve always wanted to go to Hong Kong again and Japan as well for extended vacations, but never had the time or money to go.  I’ve also wanted for years to visit my friends in Toronto who have been asking me for years to go and visit but I also hadn’t had the time or money to go.  I’ve always wanted to get Laser Eye Correction but I was always afraid of the bad side effects because I’ve heard of many cases.  Besides, how safe is 96% when it comes to your vision?  I’ve always wanted to go on missions long term but I guess doors have never opened up for me to go.  My parents are strongly against it and it seems like the missions organizations want seminary trained students.  I’ve wanted to go into seminary but I got rejected 2 times from the college I wanted to go to so I felt like maybe it’s not the time.  I didn’t bother applying to other places. 

The thing is I make too many excuses for things I want to do but I don’t really put in a whole lot of effort into trying to make those things happen.  I also don’t take a lot of risks that maybe aren’t so bad to take. 

I’ve even become a little scared in girlfriend relationships.  I’ve taken so many risks, a lot of them I shouldn’t have taken and in the end, it left me broken and single.  I think relationships is one of the few things in my life I have been saying YES to and I’ve taken risks and in almost all cases, I put in a lot of effort and I left myself vulnerable as ever.  But maybe it’s something I should have said NO to.  Maybe I just live in a fantasy world where I think miracles will happen, and some have happened in my life but I sort of expected them to keep happening for me.  Maybe I need to wake up.  Wake up Gary!  Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know whatcha gonna get.  But you know what, in a box of chocolates, there’s always a small piece of paper telling you which chocolate is what flavor so in a sense life is like that.  You sort of know what you are going to get.  But I keep telling myself, “no, God is the God of miracles and he can make that chocolate turn into cheese”.  See how retarded that sounds.  Things just aren’t like that.  When the chocolate is a chocolate, it’s not going to turn into cheese.  When things unfold in my life in certain ways, it’s just not gonna change.  “But but but… but… but…. God can…”

*sigh*

Yes God can but He won’t unless it’s something for His glory.  Most of the miracles I want are mostly to satisfy my own needs and desires.  Man… 

Need to think about the movie today and the concept a little more.

I’m bringing Xanga back – drop a comment if you’re with me!

If everyone lived for one another instead of living for themselves, what would this world be like?

If we all jumped out of the boat instead of staying inside the boat, what would happen?

People complain about not knowing God and not experiencing Him, but they don’t put in the effort to know Him.  They want a comfortable, secure life but I do not believe that that is what God has called us to.  Can people live a comfortable, secure, safe life while living a Godly life?  Is that even possible?  Can we live the life that God has called us to live by not taking risks? 

“Well, I’m not ready…”  Are people ever ready?  If people were ready, then it wouldn’t called a risk, would it?

“I don’t feel like it… I’ll wait till I feel like doing it…”  When Jesus told the disciples to go out and preach, they didn’t reply, “I don’t feel like it”.  (or maybe they did) but they still did it.  It’s not about feelings.  If it was all about feelings, then nobody would do anything because we as humans are just too self-centered.  We live for ourselves.  The bible says, no one has reached out to God on their own accord but it is God who draws them to Him.

John 6:44 “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day. “

I believe people have a choice.  People choose to live their lukewarm Christian lives.  People choose to be mean to people and choose to be greedy and selfish.  Such a self-centered generation. 

God has given us the power and authority to be victorious, to live righteous lives, but it’s so sad that not many people take advantage of that power to change their lives. 

 

As the snow falls down
Ever so gently
Ever so slowly
My heart also falls with it

My heart remembers your face
Ever so fair
Ever so white
Like the snow that falls outside

The snow seems so peaceful
Ever so pure
Ever so amazing
I am mesmorized by its presence

Like everyday you mesmorize me with your smile
Ever so beautiful
Ever so warm
Like the sight of crisp, white snow falling on a Spring day

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